Opening ‘The Closet’ to Peer Out

My name is Adam and I am a closet case.

Boy peeking thorough an open doorSome important facts about me: I’m 28 years old. I live in a small town in the northeastern United States. When I was growing up I wanted to be a ninja turtle; mostly I wanted to be Michelangelo. I really enjoy watching horror movies. I’m much more of a dog person than a cat person, but I do really respect cats. The older I get the more sad movies have a tendency to make me tear up. My favorite color is blue. Oh yea, and I am sexually attracted to men and in numerous ways that is tearing me apart.

I really started to suspect I was gay my freshman year at college. Prior to that I just thought I enjoyed putting a great deal of effort into my relationships with my best guy friends. In the last ten years I’ve experienced many stages in dealing with my sexuality. I’ve denied being gay. I’ve tried to convince myself I was bi. I’ve dealt with feeling like something was physically wrong with me and I will never be able to live comfortably as a gay man. And now after all these years, I’ve realized that it is time to overcome these frustrations. I owe it to myself to be out and who I am. Though I am not quite ready to ‘come out’ just yet…

As a person who has used writing to cope since I was a teenager, I’ve been toying with the idea for this blog for years now.  At first, while I thought it could be helpful, it was unrealistic because I would never have the balls to actually do it. Rationally, I struggled with putting my thoughts and feelings so nakedly out in the world for complete strangers to read. Now, this blog is something I am being drawn to, almost like it has a purpose that is too big for me to fully understand right now.

79123123I will be 29 in a little over a month. I’ve decided that I do not wish to be 30 years old and in the closet. The purpose of this blog is: For me to express myself, for me to have a place to focus my thoughts and fears, for me to have a tool to help me connect with others, for me to hopefully draw strength from others, and finally to maybe even provide help and inspiration to others. Put another way, I am writing this blog to help me come to terms with being gay, to accept myself for all that I am as a person, and to move on with my life.

I know I am not the only person going through these things, and it is time to stop living like I am. It’s time I start searching for outside assistance. If you are gay, straight or bi- man or woman – black, yellow or green, I hope you will be able to find inspiration from this blog. And if you find me interesting enough to follow along this journey with me, I thank you here, at the beginning, for your support.

I’m not ‘there’ yet, my friend. But we can make it together. It’s all happening.

Onward and up…

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3 thoughts on “Opening ‘The Closet’ to Peer Out

  1. Adam, there are people out there to help if you need someone to talk to: if you have no one in real life, try The Trevor Project. Google it and call them.
    It is very courageous of you to test the waters of coming out. I understand your fears. I am also in the northeast and in an area that is supposed to be so accepting but I still pick and choose carefully who I tell. I am older than you. I think it takes a long time to be fully out in this life with this information as your secret.
    There are more than just me out there and I hope you get lots and lots of comments and new friends to share this with whether or not it is just here in the safe confines of your blog…Laurie

  2. Such a fantastic focus for a blog, I love it. It must have been quite cathartic while you learned to accept your sexuality, as I’m sure it must be very encouraging and supportive for others currently dealing with coming out. Accessible, poignant, and honest…I’m glad you found your way out of the closet 🙂

    • Thank you so much for these positive words! You are right, this blog has been very cathartic. I hope others are finding my words encouraging, and I thank you for saying that. I’m getting a lot out of this blogging experience and I’m grateful for it. When I look back at posts like this one, that were written so long ago, it is really fascinating to see how far I have come. Thank you for supporting my journey!

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